All is well…in the beginning.  Your leadership team attended schools like MIT and Wharton.  The latest issue of the McKinsey Quarterly lies dog-eared and defeated on the coffee table.  During the interview, you were in awe of a quantitative religion and by-the-numbers decision process.

And then it happens…

You realize that most meetings are requests for data…and more data.  Email scrape your nerves, hinting that horrible things may happen if data isn’t available by Friday.  Your mind-blowing A/B Testing plan is greeted with vacant stares and growls for more measurement of the status quo…Testing is too risky right now…maybe later when Sales improve.

Zombie Analytics feed an insatiable hunger for data.

The Zombie Apocalypse spreads quickly in corporate environments, driving waves of shock and terror into the few analysts that manage to survive.  Here are a few tips inspired by the The Walking Dead to avoid becoming a cranial cookie for your co-workers:

Ditch the Horse and Hide in a Tank

Ride into your next meeting carrying a thick, juicy report with every conceivable metric.  Once the smell of fresh data triggers the Zombie reflex, run to a secure location where you can plan your next move.  Note that this strategy will help you live another day, but will do nothing to cure the Zombie Apocalypse ravaging your office.

Sacrifice Your Sidekick

Blame your consultants.  Curse at the data.  Basically give the Zombies someone else to chew on while you run for safety.  You might live another day, but you just fed your strongest allies to a mindless eating machine.  And that will raise a few eyebrows among your remaining friends after you catch your breath.

Shoot ’em in the Head

Don’t bother aiming for a rancid arm or leg.  The fastest way to put down a Zombie is right between the eyes with a “double-tap” decapitation just to be safe.  “Here’s your Page Views report…you want fries with that?”  This strategy might get you out of a tight spot, and nothing feels better than offing the undead, but you will get exhausted or run out of bullets at some point.  And there never seems to be a shortage of Zombies…

Find a Cure

Lock yourself in your secret, high-tech lab (good follow-up to “Ditch the Horse and Hide in a Tank” from above).  Setup your defenses (read: Out of Office Assistant) and focus on saving humankind.  Using your analytical blood and scientific skill, find a cure.  Run a high volume of tests and iterate on promising therapies.  It only takes a small dose to start reversing the Zombie plague.  Encouraging signs include:

1. Creative Review meetings that end half-way with an executive saying “shouldn’t we just test that?”
2. Demands for a holdout population on any major redesign decision
3. Clamoring to quantify the financial value analytics brings to the organization

The only real cure for The Zombie Apocalypse is a steady dose of quantifiable results that build faith in the analytical process.  One shot never does it.  Reversing the plague takes time and persistence.  Never forget that the staggering hoard of undead outside your cube are brilliant people trying to find meaning in data.

Now get going…find that cure and stop throwing meat at data hungry Zombies.  The world depends on data-driven survivors like you.